I have a confession to make...

Ever since I ended things with my long-time on-again, off-again boyfriend for good, I haven't been able to handle anything normal in the relationship department. Since January I've been a heartless droid. Guys getting too close to me creeps me out, now. I guess what I'm saying is that I fail at relationships. I don't want a relationship. I want a guy who'll entertain me when I want to be entertained, and who'll bugger off and leave me alone when I want him to. I need a jukebox boyfriend who'll play when I drop in a few coins, and who'll shut up and sit inconspicuously in the corner otherwise. I hate being this jaded, but I don't know how else to be. I'm so screwed up right now. What if it's permanent? I have such ridiculously high standards in my head of what I want the next guy I date to be like. I don't think anyone can live up to them. I think I'm crazy, and broken, and I don't know what the hell to do.

I dated my ex from October 25, 2003 until this January. It was on-again, off-again, but I didn't really date other people. I spent about six years giving my all into a one-way relationship. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to publicly derogate my ex. If anyone messed things up, it was me. I got too serious when I was way too young, and it got me nothing less than the biggest heartache I've ever had in my life. Why? Because I was stupid. I put so much of myself into trying to keep him happy that I ended up making myself bitter, jaded, and hard-hearted. If you've ever seen He's Just Not That Into You, you'll know what I mean when I say I was a total Gigi.

Now? Now I'm a mess.