On Feeling...

I'm not exactly sure why I felt the need to expose this particular accumulation of thought to the world, but I'm fairly certain it has something to do with vanity.

You may not know my story. You might not know anything about me at all. That's fine. You don't need to know me to read what I'm about to write.

I hate how simple things can get me really worked up. You might not believe it if you do know me, but I cry over the stupidest shit. It doesn't even make any sense, at all. It doesn't have to. If you do know me, and you've known me for a really long time, then you can ignore the following explanation.

I've always been over-emotional and insanely sensitive. I get so angry, angry enough that I make myself physically ill, over the littlest, most harmless and ridiculous things in the world. I can hold a grudge like nobody's business, and God forbid you break my heart because if you do, I'll never forgive you. It has recently been acknowledged that I have been better since I was put on birth control to regulate my hormones, but I am by no means fixed.

I'm still sensitive, emotional, breakable, and terrified of falling for the wrong guy all over again. But I'm tired of being alone. Go figure. My timing has always been unfortunate.

I want to run like the hounds of hell are after me. I feel trapped. And I hate feeling trapped. I wish that I had someone who could hold me and convince me that it's okay, but he's not here. Maybe he doesn't exist. All I know right now is that I'm getting up tomorrow, and I'm going somewhere because I don't want to be alone with myself anymore.

I don't have a clue as to where I'm going. I don't have a plan. I don't want one. And I'm enough of an idiot to hope that when I turn around, he'll magically be there like one of the heroes from the novels I write. I know better. He won't be there. He's never been there before. Why should the asshole show up now, just because I need him?

I usually try my best to be tough, and to take care of myself. I pretend that I don't need anybody or anything. I put on a tough face and keep my chin up because I don't want to get too close to anybody. That's a good way to get your heart broken, and I've had enough of that to last me for years.

I'm so stupid. I know saying this is a mistake. Exposing your vulnerabilities to the world is a great way to screw your life up. It shows people just how to manipulate you, hurt you, and use you.

Just once, I'd like to feel beautiful and wanted. I need someone to be there for me right now, because I'm really not tough enough to handle this on my own. Just once, I'd like to fall in love and not have it end with me being hurt, rejected, and broken.

I know I'm a loser. I'm messed up, and eccentric, and dorky. I know I'm a train wreck when it comes to guys and relationships. I know I screwed things up beyond repair.

I'm not going to ask you for something you can't give me. That's not who I am. If you don't want me, I'm gone. All you have to do is say so. I'm not asking for something serious. I, personally, get queasy at the mere mention of commitment. But I can handle casual; I need casual. If you really want that from me, please tell me. I'm not asking you for a future. I'm not asking you for a serious relationship. I'm not even asking you to not see other people. I don't want to pressure you or freak you out. I've been the crazy, stalker fan-girl too many times before, and it's so humiliating. That's not what I want. It isn't who I am anymore.

But I am scared, and I am alone. What I am asking for is one day at a time. Just for now. I'm hurt, and I'm screwed up. I want you to put your arms around me and I want you to lie and tell me it'll be okay. As long as it's you telling me, I'll believe it...because I trust you. And that's one lie it would do me a world of good to believe right now. What I'm saying is...I need whatever you can give me, for however long you can give it.

Please.

I have a confession to make...

Ever since I ended things with my long-time on-again, off-again boyfriend for good, I haven't been able to handle anything normal in the relationship department. Since January I've been a heartless droid. Guys getting too close to me creeps me out, now. I guess what I'm saying is that I fail at relationships. I don't want a relationship. I want a guy who'll entertain me when I want to be entertained, and who'll bugger off and leave me alone when I want him to. I need a jukebox boyfriend who'll play when I drop in a few coins, and who'll shut up and sit inconspicuously in the corner otherwise. I hate being this jaded, but I don't know how else to be. I'm so screwed up right now. What if it's permanent? I have such ridiculously high standards in my head of what I want the next guy I date to be like. I don't think anyone can live up to them. I think I'm crazy, and broken, and I don't know what the hell to do.

I dated my ex from October 25, 2003 until this January. It was on-again, off-again, but I didn't really date other people. I spent about six years giving my all into a one-way relationship. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to publicly derogate my ex. If anyone messed things up, it was me. I got too serious when I was way too young, and it got me nothing less than the biggest heartache I've ever had in my life. Why? Because I was stupid. I put so much of myself into trying to keep him happy that I ended up making myself bitter, jaded, and hard-hearted. If you've ever seen He's Just Not That Into You, you'll know what I mean when I say I was a total Gigi.

Now? Now I'm a mess.