Chelsea's Ridiculous Standards for Future Boyfriends (Feel Free to Use it as an Application for the Position, If You're Crazy Enough)

My smart-aleck ex-boyfriend suggested that I try online dating in a recent conversation we had. This is my sarcastic rebuttal. I'm going to use this insanely in-depth character sketch form that I use for all the characters I create for my stories to illustrate my crazy standards and/or expectations for future boyfriends. If you hope to apply for the position of boyfriend, please respond to the following fields and/or questions in as much detail as possible. I will also post further thoughts, notes, and comments in the fields listed below. I wanted to go ahead and put this up, but it's far from finished.

Character Sketch

Title: Chelsea's Ridiculous Standards for Future Boyfriends (Feel free to use it as an application for the position, if you're crazy enough.)

Name:

Nickname(s):

Birth Date/Place:

Character Role: Love interest, maybe a hero too, but that is yet to be determined.

Physical Descriptions:

• Age: Since I'm 20 now, I'd like him to be between the ages of 18 and 28. I think that's a fair 10-year bubble of opportunity. I'll be 21 on February 24, so this bubble is subject to change.
• Sex: Male, hence the word BOYfriend.
• Race: Human. Okay? Thanks.
• Eye Color: I'm generally a sucker for green or blue eyes, but the eye color really depends on the guy. As long as they look good on the particular guy, I'm willing to give any eye color a fair shake.
• Hair Color/Style: I prefer brunettes, but blondes run a close second. As for the style, I don't like hair that is not well taken care of. As long as it looks good on the particular guy, I'm willing to give any hair color a chance, too. If the guy is well-groomed, I can deal with almost any hair length or style. It all depends on what looks good on a particular guy. I'm not entirely averse to baldness, either. It's sexy as hell on Bruce Willis, and I did date a marine for nearly six years.
• Build (Height/Weight): I will not date a man who's under five feet tall. I can't date guys who are shorter than me. It just goes against some fundamental rule of my nature. As for height, I'm okay with average. I couldn't date a really tall guy, either. I'm only five feet tall, so it would be ridiculous for me to date a guy who's much over six feet tall. I don't want to look your pectoral muscles in the eye, no matter how nice they are or are not. As for weight, I consider it a sensitive subject. As long as you're healthy and take care of yourself, I'm not going to complain if you don't have a six-pack set of abs. I don't have the right to do that because I don't have a six-pack set of abs. At least, not yet.
• Skin Tone: I try not to be obscenely picky, here, but I don't like it when a guy is pale enough that sunlight bounces off of him and blinds me. Neither am I particularly fond of guys who look like they spend more time in a tanning salon than anywhere else. Skin cancer city, and that's a no thank you.
• Skin Type: I like a healthy complexion. If you shower regularly and get out in the sun every once in a while, you won't hear me complaining about your skin type. Period.
• Face Shape: I can't say that I'm more particularly attracted to one face shape than the other. I like it when a man's face has character, though. I don't like someone who's overly gaunt, all cheek and brow bones. That's kind of creepy. I like distinct features and a memorable face. Slightly chiseled is okay, too. Take the way Bruce Willis looked when he was filming Moonlighting. That's a nice, memorable, distinct face.
• Other Important Physical Attributes: The most important thing for me is that the guy looks like he takes care of himself. I don't mind you being a little rumpled and/or unruly. I don't even mind if you look like an unmade bed half the time. If you're clean and healthy, you stand a good chance of making the cut. I don't like facial piercing, I find it a bit unnerving. I don't mind an earring on a guy, though, as long as he can pull it off. It's not required, but it's tolerable. I don't mind tattoos too much, as long as they have meaning and purpose, and aren't absolutely everywhere. I do like to be able to see skin on a guy. I don't really mind body hair, as long as you don't look like a wookie. I don't want to feel like I'm dating a yak. Yuck. As for facial hair, that is totally dependent on the guy and whether he can carry it off or not. I'm a sucker for the scruffy look of a five o'clock shadow. On the right guy, it radiates edgy and sexy. I like a well-kempt, neatly trimmed goatee. Full-out beards are a no. I don't mind a clean-shaven guy, though. It all depends on what you're capable of pulling off, really. Dirty teeth are a HUGE turnoff for me. If I'm going to be kissing you, then your mouth had damn well better be clean. End of story. I don't mind if your teeth are a little crooked or something like that. I had to have braces. But please, please, please take care of them and keep them clean. I like men who are masculine without being gross. Handsome is a bonus, but not a necessity. I don’t mind scars, either. I like a guy with character in his looks. Period. Harrison Ford’s face isn’t exactly symmetrical, you know? He’s had his nose broken, and has a scar on his chin, but he’s still attractive.
• Style of Dress: Versatile. I like a man with his own sense of style. If you’re comfortable, you’re confident, and if you’re confident…that’s innately attractive. I tend to like guys who are laid-back in the style department. I’m going to be honest; it will freak me out if you’re more fashion-savvy than I am. I don’t mind seeing a guy in a tux or a nice suit every now and then, though, I’m not going to lie. I don’t really like the pretty-boy style. If you walk up to me in a Hollister shirt and skinny jeans, the likelihood of me taking you seriously as a heterosexual male is minimal, at best. I guess what I’m saying is that I like for men to dress like men. If you dress like a sissy, don’t expect me to swoon at your feet.
• How he feels about his looks: I like it when a guy is self-aware without being obscenely arrogant. If you look good and you know you look good, then it will show without you having to point it out. Unless you’re strictly being humorous, don’t brag about how you look in front of me. If you do, you will immediately fall into the arrogant dipshit category in my head. I tend to want to kick arrogant dipshits into a pit of doom, but that’s just me I guess. Confidence and comfort are the keys to attraction.
• Vision Quality: This is a weird category, and applies only to the characters in my stories. This has no bearing on my standards and/or expectations for men hoping to date me.
• What he would change about his appearance: I should hope that there is no real need for this category, but if there’s something you’d like to throw in here you can do it. I like guys who are honest.
• Physical Handicaps or Difficulties: Again, this is a category meant strictly for the characters I create. It has no bearing on the standards and/or expectations for future boyfriends. If you have information that you feel the need to put here, then go ahead and do so, but I refuse to discriminate on the basis of handicaps or difficulties of any kind.

Characteristics or Mannerisms:

• Unusual/Exceptional Characteristics:
• Mannerisms:
• Diction: I like a man who can carry on intelligent, intelligible conversation.
• Accent: I like it when a guy has an interesting accent, but I’m not too picky in this department.
• Behavior when angry: If you ever hit me or otherwise abuse me, you can fully expect me to open a can of whoop-ass on you in return as soon as the opportunity arises. I don’t tolerate that crap, so don’t do it to me if you aren’t fond of the idea of spending time in police custody.
• Behavior when depressed: Please don’t be suicidal. You get dead that way, and if you get dead it’ll make me sad. So, don’t get dead by your own choice, okay?
• Behavior when excited: If your tongue lolls, you pant, and you bounce around and get so excited that you pee all over the place, I’m going to assume that you’re a dog and as such, you will be sleeping in the yard until you are housebroken. Let’s keep it tolerable, yeah?
• Other:

Personality Traits:

• Primary:
• Secondary:
• Counter-traits:
• Dominant traits:
• Areas of vulnerability:
• Major Flaw:
• Introverted/Extroverted Characteristics of Personality:
• Basic Temperament (calm, volatile, placid, etc.):

Background:

• Hometown:
• Most significant person in his childhood:
• Most significant event of his childhood:
• Major childhood trauma and its long-term effects:
• Parents’ marital status:
• Typical first impression on others:
• Obsessions:
• Superstitions:
• Politics:
• Attitudes:
• Fears:
• Worst Fear(s):
• Biggest Dream(s):
• Character Flaws:
• Character Strengths: I like men who are intelligent, trustworthy, funny, and who value fidelity as much as I do. I do not tolerate infidelity. If you cheat on me, you can fully expect to find yourself dumped the second I find out about it.
• Regrets:
• Educational Background:
• Beliefs:
• Religion:
• Priorities:
• Other:

Status and Money:

• Class:
• Manners/Social Graces:
• Attitude toward money and why:
• Other:

Occupation/Vocation:

• Occupation:
• Childhood dream job:
• Profession encouraged by parents/family:
• Job Satisfaction:
• Work-related travel:
• Good traits:
• Acknowledged by:
• Bad traits or flaws:
• Admitted to:
• Work philosophy:
• Income:
• Other:

Relationships:

• Family/Ethnicity:
• Relationship(s) with immediate and extended family members:
• Views on Love:
• Marital Status: I prefer my men not only unmarried, but single. It's easier that way. Just a thought.
• Present relationship with significant other:
• Past relationship that most influenced him/her:
• Sexual History:
• Consequences of past sexual relationships:
• Significant personal losses and his reactions to them:
• Best Friend:
• How he relates to friends in general:
• Closest confidante and why:
• Biggest enemy and why:
• How he views the other characters, and how these views may change over the course of the story: This is mainly for my characters in my stories, but if you’d like to insert your views on other people in your life, feel free to do so here.
• Other:

More Personal Information:

• Ambitions:
• Internal Conflicts:
• External Conflicts:
• Other:

Miscellaneous Notes:

• Possessions:
• Recreation:
• Hobbies:
• Leisure Activities:
• Exercise Regime:
• Pets:
• Journal Entries:
• Correspondence:
• Handwriting:
• Astrological Sign:
• Talents:
• How he rewards and punishes himself:
• How he would describe himself in one sentence:
• How he would describe himself in one word:
• Secret from the past:
• Other:

Favorites:

• Taste in Books (i.e. genre and/or type):
• Taste in Music (i.e. catchy, soulful, fast-paced, etc):
• Favorite Book(s):
• Favorite Song(s):
• Favorite Movies:
• Favorite Clothes:
• Favorite travel destinations:
• Favorite car or preferred method of transportation:
• Favorite Muse:
• Food Preferences:
• Other:

Et Cetera:

Random Questions:

• What is a nervous habit of his?
• What time of day does he prefer?
• Does he know how to swim? When did he learn?
• Is there something that he always has on him (clothes notwithstanding)?
• How does he like to celebrate his birthday?
• Is he prone to whimsy? How about melancholy?
• Can he cook? Hint: Cooking is a talent that I value highly, especially in men. That’s why Alton Brown is one of the most attractive men on TV.
• How does he feel about children? Is he good or bad with them?
• If he could go any place in the world, where would he go?
• Describe one really embarrassing thing he’s done while drunk (that he doesn’t remember). (You can have friends assist you, if you’re brave enough to fill in this part of the form.)
• Describe one really embarrassing thing he’s done sober.
• Does he have trouble speaking in front of a crowd?
• Name something he’s ridiculously afraid of that he knows is stupid.
• Name one activity that’s part of his day that bores him to death.
• Has he ever disappointed his family or friends?
• Has he ever disappointed himself?
• Name one physical aspect he loves about himself; that he hates about himself.
• How long could he stay in bed before going crazy?
• When was the last time he was sick? How bad was it?
• Is there a day he counts down to?
• Is there something he can’t forgive himself for?
• Does he have a favorite word? If so, what is it?
• Does he put things off until the very last minute or does he get things done right away? Lord, I hope he gets things done! I’m a terrible procrastinator, and if I dated a procrastinator, things would NEVER get done.
• Does he like to gamble? I hope not, at least not with money. I don’t approve of that kind of gambling, for personal reasons. I like a guy with a sense of adventure, sure, but gambling can turn into a disease like alcoholism. I’ve seen it, and I wouldn’t want to be romantically involved with someone who lives under the sway of temptation to throw away money like it isn’t a precious commodity that people need to live.
• How does he manage his anger? Cope with stress? Calm his nerves?
• What’s the longest he’s stayed awake?
• If he was dropped into a strange situation or place, how would he react?
• If he needed to cause a distraction, how would he go about it?
• What’s his favorite footwear? Or does he like to go barefoot? Or maybe just in socks?