Tuesday, 25 May, 2010, 2:25 p.m.

Wow. Online classes = hard work. >.< I think they actually have more assignments than on-campus classes. Bleh. I might have been better off just going full-time on campus over the summer, but that would kill my plans. So I’ll deal. Hah. I sound like I’m plotting world domination or something. Well…nah, too much work.

Welcome to my random thought processes. This stream-of-consciousness stuff is pretty calming, which is good since I have a load of assignments to finish before tonight because I’m going on a trip after my intermediate swimming class tomorrow.

Crap, I’m having a tough time making myself focus on these introduction to business assignments. Yuck. Oh, well. I need them for my minor. So, I’ll muddle through, even though I have absolutely no idea what this stuff means right now.

I am such a scatterbrain. I forgot to take my transfer agreement to campus yesterday, so I have to take it up tomorrow. Also, have to pack for my trip to Mrs. Brenda’s. Can’t forget to do that because I’m driving on to Anniston after class tomorrow. CRAP!!! Need to get my medicine filled. Okay. Did that. Now…back to this essay on the connection between the business system and the standard of living. More later.

New Posting Style

As a result of recent developments that have come up in therapy, I'm going to try a new way of posting in this blog. Usually, I make a painstaking effort to use correct grammar. However, since I use this blog for personal musing/venting purposes, I will be implementing the stream-of-consciousness style in my posts. It will be fragmented. It will not be grammatically correct. I am simply going to share my thoughts as they come to me. Most likely, my posts will be random and outlandish. What am I hoping to achieve with this? I don't know. Perhaps some personal revelations. Whatever comes up will be interesting, at least to me.

An Eye-Opening Realization

My therapist asked me to look up the symptoms of codependency for my therapy session tomorrow, and I'm in a state of shock right now.

Codependents Often:

• Expect perfection from others and try to be perfect.
• Feel they have to prove their love through their behavior.
• Are afraid of mistakes, and feel like a bad person when they make one.
• Gain a sense of worth when other people do what they want them to do.
• Feel strongly when someone close to them makes a mistake.
• Figure out what others want and feel to guide their wants and feelings.
• Ignore their own needs to try and please other people.
• Give to others excessively. Gifts, time, attention, and advice are all things a codependent will give in abundance to gain control.
• Identify other people's problems and mistakes easily and feel a strong need to give advice.
• Find it difficult to admit their own mistakes and will blame others instead.
• Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when faced with someone else's troubles, rather than a healthy amount of empathy.
• Find it difficult to protect themselves by setting boundaries.
• Say yes to things they don't want to do.
• Behavior reflects what they think others want from them.
• Find it difficult to identify their own needs, wants, and opinions.
• Wonder why people don't take stock in them the way they do in others.
• Become overly offended by perceived uncaring and rudeness.
• Perceive others as selfish when they do not care excessively for their feelings, as codependents do for other people.

Welcome to the story of my life for the past...God knows how many years. It disturbs me deeply that I've developed such consistently unhealthy behaviors. How did I let myself get this way? I feel as if I no longer have a self. What happened to the person I was...the person that I'm supposed to be?

When I was a kid, I felt like I had the world at my fingertips. I could do anything...be whomever and whatever I wanted to be. I had opinions and feelings all my own that weren't tailored to please the people around me. Mistakes didn't matter so much because I knew that the people who really mattered would love me anyway...but somehow that got lost and I turned into this mindless, cowardly excuse for a human being.

I have no idea who I am.

Why is this? What have I done to myself?

I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that my life has always revolved around fairy tales. Hell, when I was little my nickname was Princess. Well, that and Fred. Don't ask me how Fred came about. I haven't a clue. I was so enchanted by the possibilities of magic and enamored of happy endings that the real world was only a vague notion to me, if not a complete nuisance that pulled me from the world of my imagination on a regular basis.

The difference between then and now is that I used to control the fantasy world, but I've let it control me in recent years. I lost one of the people who was dearest to me in the whole world when I was seven years old. She was my grandmother, and the woman practically reared me. I was closer to her than I've ever been to another human being. Don't get me wrong. I love and respect my parents. They've given me a wonderful life full of opportunities and love, but they both had to work very hard on a constant basis to get us here. So, I spent most of my time with my Granny Hattie.

My whole world imploded when she died. I hated God for taking her away from me when I loved her more than anyone or anything else in existence. She was the most kind, beautiful, understanding person in the whole world. She was full of faith and grace and a myriad of special gifts. She had a way of making every single person in her life feel that they were special, loved, and that they had something incredible to offer the world. She was such a blessing, and I was so lucky to have her. But I was furious with the world and reality and God when I lost her.

So, I retreated into my little world of fairy tales and refused to have anything whatever to do with the real world. I couldn't see anything beyond the pain, fear, and the feeling that I was utterly and completely lost. So, I tried ignoring the things that hurt, and I ignored some of the good things in life, too. I still ignore them. It's become a defense mechanism. I'd rather be alone than care about people and find myself disappointed and hurt.

I'm not the best person in the world at social interaction. I'm aloof, abrasive, and purposely cold to most of the people in my life. I don't want to feel for people and then lose them. I've become terrified of any kind of emotional commitment. I've become so wrapped up in my fear and pain that I've become more comfortable with abusive relationships than dealing with people who sincerely care for me. I allow myself to be used and molded...I become invisible and I try to bury all my wants and needs with pleasing other people. I don't know how to be me. I only know how to be what other people expect me to be.

I keep all my relationships on a playing field where I am in control. I keep people at arm's length. I've destroyed more than one man who sincerely cared for me because of my obsession with not feeling too much and my preference for abusive relationships where I know exactly what to expect and what is expected of me. I succumb easily to hate and indifference, and run away from love because I know how deeply I can feel for another human being, and it has the power to destroy me if I care too much and then I lose the person I care about in one way or another.

I've driven myself into emotional oblivion. I try to stay numb, but I can only ignore so much. I care so much more than anyone knows. Then I melt down and end up tearing myself apart between my pain and fear and the things that I instinctively want and need.

I think the best way to explain the root of this problem is to say that I'd rather be abused than abandoned. I know...it's sick. I'm sick. I hate what I've become, but I don't know if I have what it takes to un-become it.

I've become well-acquainted with death over the years since I lost Granny Hattie. Every time I manage to gain some sort of equilibrium, another person in my world bites the dust. I feel like it's my fault, like I'm doing something wrong, and that's why I'm losing these people.

Will I ever be able to reclaim myself? I don't know.

"Mirror" - Barlow Girl ~This song means so much to me right now...~