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Musing in Class

I seriously need to get back on track. If I took school as seriously as I do my writing career...my life might be a little easier. This week, I promise myself that I'm going to get as much of my work done as possible, before I go home. That way, maybe, I can have the weekend to myself without having to be nagged. I hate nagging. I also hate how sick I make myself with stress. I'm just not healthy. I have a lot of things I need to get straight. You'd think I'd be pretty successful and put-together since I'm on college and I've already published my first collection of poetry. Fact is, I'm pretty much a walking disaster.

I'm getting ready to go in to my second day of Classroom Management, and I'm none too excited, just nervous. Another hoop I have to jump through to get this degree. This program really has a way of making a person feel like a strange mix between a circus performer and a lab rat.

In other news, I'm sick again. It's probably because I don't sleep much. I don't have a schedule, at all. I hate routines, but I think I need to get into one for my health's sake.

My Journal Reflection on The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton for Young Adult Lit.

The Outsiders is a powerful tale of friendship, rivalry, and the duality at the root of human nature. Those who have read it all know the story on the surface, the chain of events from Ponyboy being threatened by the Socs while on his way home, to the fire in the church, followed by Johnny’s death, then Dally’s, and everything that led up to Ponyboy Curtis working on a theme for his English teacher, Mr. Syme, that began with the words “When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I had only two things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home….” This book is a world of its own, though it is set somewhere in the American Southwest during the 1960s. The story oozes with a life of tumult in a time when big changes were taking place in the world.

It is hard to believe that a book with such a specific context could be as timeless as Hinton’s masterpiece is in The Outsiders. I believe that it is so timeless because of the story that runs beneath the surface of the plot. The characters’ absolute humanity makes this book universal in nature. Our world still has class struggles, gang violence, and we live in a world of rattling changes hurtling toward mankind at breakneck speed. More importantly, we’re still human. The true, ongoing battle that connects us all with these characters is the battle we fight with the duality of our human nature. No human being can really exist as a two-dimensional character. We are all real, three-dimensional characters with varying degrees of internal and external conflict in our stories. Our lives are our stories, and we are naturally multifaceted creatures. Battles are constantly fought between the ego, super ego, and the id, to put it in psychological terms.

I don’t know of a person who willingly, openly shows all sides of their personality to the world. Everybody has filters, secrets, and everybody lies. I don’t mean for this to sound dark and condemning. I’m just saying that we all have veneers that are presented to the world, as opposed to the complete Gordian Knots of thought and emotion that we can only truly see for ourselves. Hinton did an excellent job of portraying this universal truth with the sympathetic characters she created. I believe that this work is timeless because it paints a faithful portrait not only of Southwestern America in the 1960s, but also of universal human emotion.

On Feeling...

I'm not exactly sure why I felt the need to expose this particular accumulation of thought to the world, but I'm fairly certain it has something to do with vanity.

You may not know my story. You might not know anything about me at all. That's fine. You don't need to know me to read what I'm about to write.

I hate how simple things can get me really worked up. You might not believe it if you do know me, but I cry over the stupidest shit. It doesn't even make any sense, at all. It doesn't have to. If you do know me, and you've known me for a really long time, then you can ignore the following explanation.

I've always been over-emotional and insanely sensitive. I get so angry, angry enough that I make myself physically ill, over the littlest, most harmless and ridiculous things in the world. I can hold a grudge like nobody's business, and God forbid you break my heart because if you do, I'll never forgive you. It has recently been acknowledged that I have been better since I was put on birth control to regulate my hormones, but I am by no means fixed.

I'm still sensitive, emotional, breakable, and terrified of falling for the wrong guy all over again. But I'm tired of being alone. Go figure. My timing has always been unfortunate.

I want to run like the hounds of hell are after me. I feel trapped. And I hate feeling trapped. I wish that I had someone who could hold me and convince me that it's okay, but he's not here. Maybe he doesn't exist. All I know right now is that I'm getting up tomorrow, and I'm going somewhere because I don't want to be alone with myself anymore.

I don't have a clue as to where I'm going. I don't have a plan. I don't want one. And I'm enough of an idiot to hope that when I turn around, he'll magically be there like one of the heroes from the novels I write. I know better. He won't be there. He's never been there before. Why should the asshole show up now, just because I need him?

I usually try my best to be tough, and to take care of myself. I pretend that I don't need anybody or anything. I put on a tough face and keep my chin up because I don't want to get too close to anybody. That's a good way to get your heart broken, and I've had enough of that to last me for years.

I'm so stupid. I know saying this is a mistake. Exposing your vulnerabilities to the world is a great way to screw your life up. It shows people just how to manipulate you, hurt you, and use you.

Just once, I'd like to feel beautiful and wanted. I need someone to be there for me right now, because I'm really not tough enough to handle this on my own. Just once, I'd like to fall in love and not have it end with me being hurt, rejected, and broken.

I know I'm a loser. I'm messed up, and eccentric, and dorky. I know I'm a train wreck when it comes to guys and relationships. I know I screwed things up beyond repair.

I'm not going to ask you for something you can't give me. That's not who I am. If you don't want me, I'm gone. All you have to do is say so. I'm not asking for something serious. I, personally, get queasy at the mere mention of commitment. But I can handle casual; I need casual. If you really want that from me, please tell me. I'm not asking you for a future. I'm not asking you for a serious relationship. I'm not even asking you to not see other people. I don't want to pressure you or freak you out. I've been the crazy, stalker fan-girl too many times before, and it's so humiliating. That's not what I want. It isn't who I am anymore.

But I am scared, and I am alone. What I am asking for is one day at a time. Just for now. I'm hurt, and I'm screwed up. I want you to put your arms around me and I want you to lie and tell me it'll be okay. As long as it's you telling me, I'll believe it...because I trust you. And that's one lie it would do me a world of good to believe right now. What I'm saying is...I need whatever you can give me, for however long you can give it.

Please.

About Chelsea

So, I've had a couple of curious queries about my "boyfriend application" previously posted on this blog. So, I'm going to post a character sketch about myself, too. It is far from being finished, but I'll add a little about myself to it every day. This is mainly just for kicks, but if you're interested you can send me an application.

• Character Sketch
• Title: About Me
• Name: Chelsea Lauren Clemmons
• Nickname(s): Chels, Hobbit, also Muffin, but only ONE person is ever allowed to call me that. He knows who he is. Everyone else, I would advise you not to do it. I'm pretty sure you can't pull it off.
• Birth Date/Place: February 24, 1989/Bay Minette, Alabama
• Character Role: Protagonist (I should be the protagonist of my own life, right?)
• Physical Descriptions:
• Age: 20 until February 24
• Sex: Female
• Race: Human, Caucasian
• Eye Color: Green
• Hair Color/Style: Naturally, it’s dirty blonde. Currently, it’s red. For the moment, it’s short, not even shoulder length. I’m trying to grow it back out, though. It used to be nearly waist length, and I miss that.
• Build (Height/Weight): 5’0”/142 lbs.
• Skin Tone: Fair
• Skin Type: I’ve got a pretty clear complexion, but my skin is sensitive.
• Face Shape: Oval
• Other Important Physical Attributes:
• Style of Dress: Eclectic. That's the best way I can think of to describe it at the moment. Jeans are pretty much the best invention ever.
• How he/she feels about his/her looks: I like to make myself presentable, and I wouldn’t like to be considered an eyesore. However, I don’t like it when people judge me on looks alone. It’s shallow, insensitive, and unfair. I like to feel pretty, sure, but I dislike being judged based solely upon my looks.
• Vision Quality: I wear glasses, sometimes. I have astigmatism and I have some trouble with my distance vision.
• What he/she would change about his/her appearance: I’d like to be a little taller, and I certainly wouldn’t mind longer legs.
• Physical Handicaps or Difficulties: I have been blessed, I have none.
• Characteristics or Mannerisms:
• Unusual/Exceptional Characteristics:
• Mannerisms:
• Diction:
• Accent:
• Behavior when angry:
• Behavior when depressed:
• Behavior when excited:
• Personality Traits:
• Primary:
• Secondary:
• Counter-traits:
• Dominant traits:
• Areas of vulnerability: I am incredibly sensitive, and I don’t take criticism well. Words have the capability to wound me far more deeply than physical pain ever could. I’m insecure, and I have very little faith in myself.
• Major Flaw: Pride. It will be the death of me. I’d sooner work myself into a coma than ask for help. Asking for help means you owe somebody something, and I don’t want to be in debt to anyone…for any reason. I can do things for myself, and if I can’t they aren’t likely ever to get done. I made the mistake of asking someone for help with publishing my book, and I will most likely spend the rest of my life paying that person back.
• Introverted/Extroverted Characteristics of Personality:
• Basic Temperament (calm, volatile, placid, etc.): I’d consider myself to be pretty volatile. If you push certain buttons, you’re guaranteed to get a reaction and I have a flair for the dramatic, if I do say so myself.
• Background:
• Hometown: Bay Minette, Alabama
• Most significant person in his/her childhood: Granny Hattie. You’d really have to have known her to understand why. She pretty much reared me because both of my parents worked all the time when I was a kid. Hell, they still do. They’re the most hardworking people I know. They’ve given me a wonderful life that most people haven’t been blessed with. But Granny Hattie is the one that I really emotionally bonded with as a child. She’s the kindest person I’ve ever known in my whole life. She was the most wholesome, good-hearted, caring, and generous person that I’ve ever encountered. I can’t possibly say enough to make you understand how amazing she was. She had a way of making you feel special, like you could do anything in the whole world, and she made you feel unique and wonderful and precious and worthy.
• Most significant event of his/her childhood:
• Major childhood trauma and its long-term effects: Losing Granny Hattie pretty much imploded my world, my faith, and the way I see everything. To be perfectly honest, part of me is still furious at God for taking her away from me. I know it’s wrong and that I shouldn’t feel like that, but I do. I’m afraid of loving people as much as I loved her. The pain you experience when you lose someone like that is what I imagine hell to be like, if you add cold to it.
• Parents’ marital status: Happily married for what seems like forever, now.
• Typical first impression on others:
• Obsessions:
• Superstitions:
• Politics:
• Attitudes:
• Fears:
• Worst Fear(s):
• Biggest Dream(s):
• Character Flaws:
• Character Strengths:
• Regrets: I have two big regrets in my life. I mean major ones. One is that I didn't go to see my Granny Hattie before she died. I had the option to go and see her in the ICU, or remember her the way she was, and I chose to remember her the way she was. It was the wrong choice. I was seven when I made it, and I won't ever forgive myself for that. I'd kill for a few more minutes with her now. The other regret is a much more recent one. There was this guy, and he was kind of perfect for me. Surprisingly, not only was he perfect, but he was also crazy enough to want to try and have a relationship with me. I was an emotional train wreck at the time, one who was hell-bent on getting revenge on her cheating ex-boyfriend. So I shoved this great guy out of my life and broke his heart. I have never been a bigger jerk. Ever. I can't excuse or forgive myself for the way I hurt him, either. Frankly, Dad has never been more disappointed in me, and neither have I. So, if that amazing guy ever happens upon this, I want him to know that I'm sorry for what I did to him. Those are my two biggest regrets in life, thus far.
• Educational Background:
• Beliefs:
• Religion:
• Priorities:
• Status and Money:
• Class:
• Manners/Social Graces:
• Attitude toward money and why:
• Occupation/Vocation:
• Occupation:
• Childhood dream job:
• Profession encouraged by parents/family:
• Job Satisfaction:
• Work-related travel:
• Good traits:
• Acknowledged by:
• Bad traits or flaws:
• Admitted to:
• Work philosophy:
• Income:
• Relationships:
• Family/Ethnicity:
• Relationship(s) with immediate and extended family members:
• Views on Love:
• Marital Status: Unmarried. And single.
• Present relationship with significant other: None. I am incredibly single.
• Past relationship that most influenced her:
• Sexual History: I'm not an innocent, and I kind of regret not waiting.
• Consequences of past sexual relationships: There haven't been any physical consequences. As for emotional? I plead the fifth.
• Significant personal losses and her reactions to them:
• Best Friend:
• How she relates to friends in general:
• Closest confidante and why:
• Biggest enemy and why:
• How she views the other characters, and how these views may change over the course of the story:
• Ambitions:
• Internal Conflicts:
• External Conflicts:
• Miscellaneous Notes:
• Possessions:
• Recreation:
• Hobbies:
• Leisure Activities:
• Exercise Regime:
• Pets:
• Journal Entries:
• Correspondence:
• Handwriting:
• Astrological Sign:
• Talents:
• How he/she rewards and punishes himself/herself:
• How he/she would describe himself/herself in one sentence:
• How he/she would describe himself/herself in one word:
• Secret from the past:
• Favorites:
• Taste in Books (i.e. genre and/or type):
• Taste in Music (i.e. catchy, soulful, fast-paced, etc):
• Favorite Song(s):
• Favorite Movies:
• Favorite Clothes:
• Favorite travel destinations:
• Favorite car or preferred method of transportation:
• Favorite Muse:
• Food Preferences:
• Et Cetera:
• Random Questions:
• What is a nervous habit of hers?
• What time of day does he/she prefer? I'm a total night owl.
• Does she know how to swim? When did she learn? Absolutely! I can't even remember not knowing how to swim. I learned when I was very young.
• Is there something that she always has on her (clothes notwithstanding)? I always have the silver and emerald ring my Mom gave me a few Christmases back, and I always have the ring that belonged to Granny Hattie that Mom and Aunt Becky gave me when I graduated from high school. I almost always wear my silver necklace with the silver thistle pendant that my dear friend Jess (from Australia) sent me a couple of years ago.
• How does she like to celebrate her birthday?
• Is she prone to whimsy? How about melancholy?
• Can she cook? Not well.
• How does she feel about children? Is she good or bad with them? They're kind of scary, to be honest, but Lilliana Claire is changing that, some. As for the second part, I have no idea.
• If she could go any place in the world, where would she go?
• Describe one really embarrassing thing she’s done while drunk (that she doesn’t remember). I plead the fifth, here. I'm not sharing anything in this part of the form, because I obviously do not remember anything of the sort.
• Describe one really embarrassing thing she’s done sober.
• Does she have trouble speaking in front of a crowd? I think it's a kind of situational thing, but I generally do not have trouble speaking in front of a crowd.
• Name something she’s ridiculously afraid of that she knows is stupid. I'm ridiculously afraid of spiders, and of getting my heart broken again. There are a lot of negative feelings packaged in that little phrase. Disillusionment, disappointment, crushed self esteem, hurt pride, dashed vanity...the list goes on.
• Name one activity that’s part of her day that bores her to death. Having to wait for anything. I'm impatient as hell, and waiting is a huge inducer of boredom and irritation for me.
• Has she ever disappointed her family or friends? I probably do that on a fairly regular basis, to be honest. I'm stubborn, wild, and I have to do everything the hard way. It can't be easy on my family and friends.
• Has she ever disappointed herself? More than I'd like to admit.
• Name one physical aspect she loves about herself; that she hates about herself. I love my eyes, but I hate how short I am.
• How long could she stay in bed before going crazy? This is a crazy question. I sleep ALL the time, so I'm not sure how to answer this. If I wasn't sick, and had nothing to occupy me, it'd be 72 hours, max.
• When was the last time she was sick? How bad was it? I had a stomach virus last week, and it was one heck of a nasty bugger. It wrung me out and left me to dry.
• Is there a day she counts down to?
• Is there something she can’t forgive herself for? There are a few things, actually. I may list them at some point.
• Does she have a favorite word? If so, what is it? Fantasy. Take it as you will.
• Does she put things off until the very last minute or does she get things done right away? I'm a terrible procrastinator. I never get anything done until the last minute.
• Does she like to gamble? Nope. I don't like to play games where I'm unsure of the outcome. If I can't be sure that I'll win, I'm not likely to play. It's not my style. I'm a bit of a control freak, really. I also do not approve of gambling with money, for personal reasons.
• How does she manage her anger? Cope with stress? Calm her nerves? Not well, if we're being honest, here. I tend to pretty much stay wound like a top. The only thing I do that actually helps me with any of the above is writing poetry, and that only happens when the muse is cooperating.
• What’s the longest she’s stayed awake?
• If he/she was dropped into a strange situation or place, how would he/she react?
• If she needed to cause a distraction, how would she go about it? Well, it would be dramatic, that's for sure. Probably ridiculous, also. But it would get people's attention, and that's the important part of a distraction, right?
• What’s her favorite footwear? Or does she like to go barefoot? Or maybe just in socks? I prefer going barefoot, unless it's cold. Then I'd have to say in socks. Don't get me wrong. I'm not against a nice, sexy pair of shoes. I'm just lazy.

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P.S. On the Standards

Ex-boyfriends need not apply.